The Hate of Fishing and Other Things
by Acid Spitting Unicorn
Summary: SELF INSERT. I was sent into Hyrule because I complain too much...? And a person who doesn't even exist anymore sent me there? What?


**Hey guys! I haven't even updated my other story yet and here I am, posting a completely different one! YAY! The general disclaimer is in my profile.**

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><p>OH LOOK.<p>

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><p>I quietly hum along with the opening theme of one of my favourite games ever. It may never beat Ocarina of Time but Twilight Princess gets pretty close. Out of sheer boredom, I decide to start a new game and for the first time ever, and I do mean <strong>ever<strong> as I have played all but one Legend of Zelda game, I left Link's name as Link. It felt weird not naming him something like Dæmon or Vaii or ... something that isn't Link. I even left Epona's name as Epona! I felt like something was wrong with me but I shrug. I get that feeling a lot.

"Laaaaaaa..." I sing randomly. I make a face at myself and click the A button repeatedly, trying to skip the opening scene. Yes, the scene is gorgeous but I wanted to get to where I get to kill shit. That's the fun part.

I begin grumbling at the Wii telling it to hurry up and the scene finally ends and I run to the lake thing behind Link's house. I skip what Saria or Ilia, or whatever her name is, says and jump on Epona, returning to what's-his-face to herd the goats. I laugh like an idiot.

"Heh... goats..." I giggle again for no real reason and return to... Rusl? Fado? One of the two. And... He's not there. Oh right. To Ordon! YAY. I make Epona gallop the short way there and sit semi-patiently through the intro. I make impatient sounds and gallop over to the sword dude – I think this one's Rusl – and talk to him. Yay fishing rod! I hate fishing.

I begin to sing the Doom Song as I talk to the boy and run off to the ranch to herd the goats - that don't look like goats. They look like a strange mix between a water buffalo and a wooly ox. But I want one none the less.

I begin herding the wooly goaties, as I call them, complaining about how this is such a waste of time. Then, my game freezes.

"-I HAVEN'T EVEN SAVED YET-!"

Over dramatic but that's simply what I do.

I started to fake sob, slowly reaching for the power button, completely depressed about the waste of life that I just went through and having to do it **again**, even if it was just the beginning of the game.

"**Don't touch the button.**"

I freeze, creeped out by the voice since I was home alone and would continue to be for the next two weeks. I look around, trying to find the source of the voice without moving because, hell, I could be shot if I even breathed wrong! The voice chuckles at my thoughts.

"**You can move and look up.**"

I do at the voice tell me to and look up, moving to a more comfortable position in my very messy room. I stare at the ceiling and the upper part of my walls, trying to find the source of the voice. It sighs and mumbles something incoherent.

"**Down.**" I blink in confusion and look to the floor. Another sigh, this one more irritated.

"**Up.**" I look back up to my wall and the voice growls at me. So I look behind me, just to make sure they weren't there.

"**You really are that oblivious!**" I look around frantically, spazzing at how I couldn't find the voice's body. "**Look at the television screen you idiotic woman!**" My head snaps to the screen and confusion overtakes me. Know what I was seeing? Sheik.

"Dude! You're not even in this game! Wait... You're Zelda. You're in every game. Never mind. What do you want?" I ask bluntly. I may be pretty oblivious when it comes to mostly everything but that doesn't mean she has to say it...

"**I have heard your complaints about how most everything Link does is 'useless' and 'a waste of life' and 'ultra, spazztastically boring'. And quite frankly, I'm sick of it. And another thing! I am not Zelda!**"

I look at Sheik incredulously.

"Explain The Ocarina of Time."

The Sheikah remains silent and I jump up in victory.

"HA!" And then something hit me full force, "GODDAMMIT." No, nothing physical hit me, I realized something.

Sheik raises an eyebrow at me.

"You're a man-ish thing in the comics... Fuck... You win this time, Sheikah. Also, what the hell kind of name is Sheik the Sheikah? I mean, come on! Don't you have a real name?" He stares at me and I stare back, honestly interested in his answer.

"**Sheik.**"

"What?"

"**My name. It actually is Sheik.**" I blink at him, my face void of emotion and my voice serious.

"Can I slap your parents." No question, it was more along the lines of a demand. "But anyway... I shall call you... Demetri."

"**No.**"

"Come on! I'll be your best friiiieeennnd!" He stares at me blankly, probably not caring if we were friends or not. "Fine, I'll call you Demetri anyway."

The Sheikah man mumbles something and shakes his head, not wanting to deal with an ADD eighteen year old who possibly has OCD and Bi Polar disorder.

"**Back to what I was saying, girl**-" I interrupt his sentence.

"Aisling Rune ó Faoláin," Sheik raises a brow and I continue, "My name is Aisling, not girl. Also, blame my mother for my name; she's one of the Irish that are 'Aarg! I'm Irish! FEAR ME'." He clears his throat and continues.

"**Back to what I was saying, **_**Aisling**_**,**" I nod in approval, "**I'm tired of you complaining about how most everything Link does in every single game – do not interrupt me! – is completely useless! So in order for you to gain a new respect for our hero, you will be forced on the journey with him. Mainly to help but I'll make sure you get to do all of the tedious tasks,**" I stare in horror at Sheik, "**now, what were you going to say?**"

"I haven't played every single Zelda game. I haven't ever played Skyward Sword. BUT OH MY GOD I WANT TOOOO! IT LOOKS SO COOL!" I flail around like the game-tard I am and begin a rant about how despite the graphics not being the best, they're still pretty great for the amount of time put into interactive game play and the game play itself; I also throw in how cool the Wii U is going to be when it is released. Sheik – I mean Demetri- coughs to drag me out of my world of nerdism.

"**Did you even hear a word I said?**"

"Yes, yes, you're making sure my life is very boring, blah blah blah Twilight Princess, goats, fishing, cross dressing Hylian boys, paedobears." I stare boredly at Demetri.

He glares at me, his red eyes radiating anger. Then, he mutters something in Hylian and I felt a strange pulling sensation in my arms. I look down to see my body slowly being pulled apart atom by atom toward my Wii as I watch in fascination. It didn't hurt or anything like that and it looks kick ass, like a slow de-rezz or an event along those lines. And I'm not dying. When the top half of my body had disappeared, the de-rezzing went faster and before I knew it, I was in one piece again. I glance around, trying to figure out where exactly I was. In Link's house. On his bed. Of which he was in. And he was staring at me.

Can someone saw awkward?

"Um... hi. How are you?" I say, trying to ease the sense of awkward that filled the room. Link blinks at me, obviously confused and probably feeling a little violated. I would too if I was suddenly awakened by some strange person materializing on my bed whilst trying to sleep. He nods at me cautiously.

"... Good..." I 'hm' and nod at his answer.

"So... where exactly am I?"

He looks at me like I'm stupid.

"In my house."

"No shit," I deadpan, "I mean what region. What time. WHY."

"Well," he begins, "You're currently in Ordona Province, in Ordon. Today is... the fifteenth of Din? Maybe still the fourteenth... I don't know. And as for why? I was hoping you could explain that one."

I chewed on my lip and sat on Link, trying to figure out how to word this. See, I have no shame – as long as it doesn't have to do with me taking off clothes. But most of the time I don't even care about that. And the awkward feeling I had? Yeah, it's gone. Maybe not for Link-y Boy but he can get over that.

"Let's see... Sheik, who was supposed to be Zelda but actually isn't because of comic technicalities, got tired of my bitching about how boring your life is, and how you're a cross dresser, while trying to play Twilight Princess, so in this cool de-rezzing type thing, he sent me here and I ended up on you... And now I'm explaining what happened... and yeah. The end."

Link blinks at me.

"One, what? Two, I don't even know you! How can my life be boring? Three, I am not a cross dresser! Four... what?"

I raise a brow at him.

"You said what twice."

"I don't care!"

"Yeah. Your life is boring. No real adventures. You just kinda ride around on Epona being a cocky bastard and making every chick that sees you think you're hot. So essentially, you're a medieval pimp. Oh, and herding strange goat-ox-water buffalo creatures. And yes, you are going to wear a green dress-tunic rather soon. I believe you at least wear pants under it... O-O-T Link wore spandex tight things. It creeped me out and gave me a nightmare or two."

He stares at me more. Probably trying to figure out how I knew he herded goaties and what the hell I was talking about. I glance around his place, noting that it was larger than it usually was depicted as and how obsessively clean it was. Dude, you're nineteen and you live in a _tree_. You're allowed to be messy.

_**Says the eighteen-year-old who organized a book shelf by height, color, title, author's last, then first name, how often you read it and how much you like it.**_

_I'm allowed to do that, I'm weird! He's going to be the 'Hero of Twilight' for fuck's sake! He's supposed to be manly and powerful and... not obsessed with cleanliness. How is he going to handle being covered in bruises, scratches, blood, mud, and dirt? I think he might spazz into oblivion!_

Link chuckles slightly, making me move.

"I'm not obsessed."

I ignore how he read my thoughts. Probably related to something Demetri did...

"Quite, Pixie Boy. Not talking to you."

_**MY NAME IS NOT DEMETRI. IT IS SHEIK.**_

_Do I look like I care? I told you I'm calling you Demetri. Unless you want another name..._

_**Then go with a different one! Please!**_

I grin evilly, a list of nicknames for Sheik file through my head and I grin evilly. I keep coming up with worse and worse names, making my grin even wider and I cackle when I settle on one.

"ANDRO-HERM BOY!" I yell happily. Sure, it made no sense what-so ever. But I like it. And it was staying.

Sheik yells in dismay, making my head throb.

_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_

_Not so loud! I might punch your precious hero if you piss me off enough!_

_**Please. Like a girl's punch could do anything to a man.**_

My eye twitches. That sexist asshole!

_Say that to my face!_ Before Sheik could retort, Link interrupts.

"You're a girl?" He seems really shocked. Probably because I was wearing black skinnies, a hoodie that came down to my knees and the hood was up so you couldn't see most of my face, and to add to that I wore a beanie so even if my hood was down you had no idea what above half my nose looked like.

I look at him like he's stupid.

"No duh. Could you not tell by my voice? Or half of my face?" Sure my voice was deep for a chick, but it was nowhere near deep enough to be mistaken for a man's. And the fact that my jaw is round-ish and I have annoying pouty lips that make me look like I am always sad or frowning should have been a dead giveaway. But apparently I'm stuck with an idiot. Joy.

Link shakes his head and I facepalm.

"Please don't make me do this."

_**Too bad! You have to!**_

"Come one dude! He's an idiot!" I gesture toward Link, neither caring that I was talking like he wasn't there nor about how schizophrenic I sounded.

_**Once again, too bad. And you know what? I'll even give you a bow so if Link's in trouble, you get to kill something.**_

I perk up at the sound of me getting to kill something.

"Really?" My voice was almost gushing with hope, happiness, and adoration. One creepy shadow movement later, Sheik came out of the corner, my bow in hand. I stare at it in wonder for a moment before launching myself at Sheik to hug him.

"You are officially my favorite person for the next ten minutes!" I squeal in joy and snatch the bow out of his hands and examine it like I was an expert on bows, "Light yew... clean, even finish... no chips... sealed perfectly... no visible seams... sanded properly... Hm," I balance the middle of the bow in my pointer finger to test the balance, "a small bit bottom heavy but it's not bad," I nod in approval, "Amazing work here." Sheik raises a brow at me and I raise one back.

"Why the scrutiny?"

"I'm not going to use a shit bow."

His eyes told me he was thinking 'are you serious'. I grin.

"Totes fer cereal," I say, still grinning but inwardly wincing at once of two flaws on my accent. One was 'fer' and the other was 'yer'; I managed to keep my enunciation pretty well for living in southern Louisiana for ten years – except for those two things and it drove me _crazy_.

Sheik and Link stare at me, not understanding.

"Totally serious." I shake my head at them and grab the soft leather quiver and sling it across my back, placing the bow over my shoulder, about to tell them bye when Sheik exclaims something.

"Holy crap you're short!" I freeze and stare at him blankly, an aura of hatred emanating from my person. Link looks me up and down, getting out of his bed and walking over to me. Sheik gets closer and I glare at the floor. Link is about six foot three and Sheik is a little shorter so I'll say... six foot one. And then there is me, who is five foot two.

"I hate you all."

"How the hell are you eighteen?" Sheiks's voice is a mixture of mockery and serious wonder.

"Fuck you!" I begin pouting and shuffle out but before I leave, I hear Link yell something, his voice giving away that he didn't believe it.

"She's eighteen?" I feel their eyes on my back as I walk to the railing, put on foot on it, stand with only that foot, and launch my body toward the ground. I hear a soft 'the hell?' right after I jump and then footsteps. I land easily on my feet, legs bent so my bones wouldn't shatter upon impact. Link's voice cuts through the darkness.

"You could have died!"

"But I didn't," is my short reply as I stand up and feel the cool night air. I smile and wander off toward the lake-pond thing that lies behind Link's house, going through the list of songs I have filed away for the music player that keeps me entertained; it's also in my head. So whenever I hear a song once, I know it forever. It's pretty useful when I'm on long trips without my iPod. I decide to play the Halestorm version of Bad Romance; it's so much better than the original! I begin playing the song in my head, playing the guitar that I know so well on an air guitar and begin mimicking Lzzy's voice perfectly.

"Want your bad romance... Want your bad romance! I want your ugly, I want your disease, I want your everything as long as it's free, I want your love... I want your drama, the touch of your hand, I want your leather-studded kiss in the sand, I want your love, love-love-love, I want your love-"

Before I could continue, someone coughs. I stop abruptly and spin around about to yell at whoever interrupted me when I see it's just Link.

"Oh. I thought it was a person. It's just Pixie boy," I say, nonchalantly as I turn back around and walkthrough the water some more as I had gotten here when I exclaimed I wanted someone's disease. It was a really short walk.

_I wonder what else is different... Well, other than things being bigger and Link talking. Hm... Sheik is here for one. What's he supposed to be dead centuries ago? And another thing! Why me? Why not some other chick who's more talented and prettier and just better? It's not hard to find!_

_**Because you're different from the others. You honestly believed in the existence of all of these places and people existing before I brought you here. And your talent of what I believe is ventriloquism will come in handy.**_

_Shut up Sheik. I wasn't talking to you._

_**I'm pretty sure you were. Also, Ocarina of TIME. I can essentially go wherever I want, as long as it's in my own realm.**_

I nod at his logic and ignore anything else he says, walking further into the water. I turn back to Link after noticing he was still there and speak to him in the most commanding voice I could muster while distracted by the water.

"Go sleep. You have to leave sometime soon." Link stares at me confusedly before exclaiming.

"Oh right! That's tomorrow!" I hear Link jog away and I walk back to the shore, taking off my hoodie, beanie, gloves, and wallet and throwing them beside my shoes. I look dreamily at the water and walk to the deepest portion. Well, I tried to anyway. There was a pretty steep slope right around the waterfall so in order to feel it I had to be at least three feet above the bottom of the... know what? I'll just say it's a pond. I let my body sink under the water and 'float' under the force of the small, albeit powerful waterfall; letting the pressure massage my muscles and the bubbles tickle my skin. I smile softly at the comforting world of water and feel at peace for the first time since I appeared here. Sure I may not have acted like anything was wrong but that's just my front. On the inside, I was slightly terrified, pretty spazzed out, and frantically trying to not have a break down related to 'this isn't real'.

I realize my lungs were aching for air and I mentally wish I was a mermaid when I was in water so I could stay under here forever. I roll my eyes at myself for making such a stupid wish and slowly swim toward the surface. When I break it, I slowly kick my legs to the shore when a sudden pain over comes my entire body. It is so intense I curl into a ball and sink to the bottom, unable to move my legs in the slightest without crying and wanting to die. When the pain finally passes, my entire body is completely numb and I take a ragged breath, trying to flex my leg muscles to make sure they're still there.

And then I freeze. Not only did I just breathe underwater, but the only way I could move one leg was to move the entirety of the weight that is my lower half. Commence the spazzing.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD. HOLY... WHAT THE HELL! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIIIITTTTTT! What am I going to do? How the hell am I going to eat? WHAT IF SOMEONE SEES ME AND KIDNAPS ME AND FORCES ME TO BE SOME WEIRD MERMAID PRINCESS THING IN A CIRCUS? ... WHAT IF THERE'S SOME HALF-FISH HALF-HUMAN LOVING PERVERT LIVING IN THE WOODS? How will I explain this to my mother? More importantly... How will I explain this to Sheik? Wait..." I pause in my freak out, and begin thinking, "Wait... if I'm stuck here, then I can't go with Link, and if I can't go with Link, I get to go home. And If I go home, I can live in the ocean and see if Atlantis is slash was real!" I squeal with joy. "This is perfect!" I mimic my happy dance as best as I could with a tail and it turns out pretty awkwardly. I decide the only thing to do now is learn how to swim with a tail. Can't be that hard, right?

_**- - Five exhausting hours later - -**_

Know how I said learning how to swim with a tail couldn't be that hard?

I lied.

It's probably the hardest thing I've ever been forced to master. Well, this wasn't really forced but I wasn't about to sit in one place for the rest of my life or until I died from starvation. So it counts.

The moving forward part was okay, I just have to move certain muscles at certain times in order to go faster, slower, or swim forward properly. Turning was a bitch. I figured out very quickly that my tail is not like a shark's and if I don't turn my body the way I want to go, I get very painful muscle cramps and can't move for a bit. The memories of feeling the pain ripping through my body make me shudder and absently rub the scales where the pain initiated. I also learned that the nerve endings in my tail were vastly more sensitive to most everything than my legs were. So when I went by a slightly rugged rock, while attempting to go backwards, a scale ripped off.

'_Oh no! Only one scale? However will she survive?' Sarcastic asses, _was what I thought someone would think or say if I told them this.

The only appropriate comparison I've come up with for the pain I felt then was: take the machine from Stay Alive that rips your face open, make it cover the entire body of its victims, add in electrocution and being on fire, all while being stabbed repeatedly with twenty million needles in the face and slowly having your bones split open. It probably wasn't that bad but I'm a dramatic person and I screamed after it happened. Then I bawled like a baby. It's rather interesting to see someone crying underwater, I promise you this.

But back to what I was doing now.

Currently, I'm trying to master changing directions in the middle of moving. I am starting to get it but not by much. Then my tail starts yelling at me again and I yell back.

_I know, I know! Shut up already! God. Who knew having a tail would be so tiring? These things are made to swim and mine's already tired! It's only been like... an hour!_

And by that declaration, since I forgot that Sheik and Link would hear my thoughts, both men - who happened to be watching the water and looking for me – now know my sense of time sucks.

I huff at my tail and spin around and head in the direction of the surface from the _colossal_ cavern I found behind the waterfall thirty minutes into learning how to swim. Once it gets too shallow for me to swim I drag my body onto the shore. Now free of water, my tail practically melts off of me and my legs are visible again.

"Dude. That was cool," I grin at my legs and slowly stand up, only to fall back down again. I huff and pout a little, wanting to get dry and not have sand stuck to my ass.

"Try to take it slow, young one," a wispy but masculine voice advises, "It'll take a bit of time to get used to switching between sea and land."

I nod and mumble a thanks, stretching my legs and trying to get used to the feeling of having legs again. Approximately twenty seconds pass before my impatient nature kicks in and I get tired of sitting, so I test my ability to stand again but this time I use an adjacent rock. When I don't fall, I raise my arms above my head and cheer.

"Victory!" I beam and look up to tell the person who spoke earlier a proper than you for the advice, but what I see makes me jump back. It was ... Goddammit... what was his name? You know that spirit light thing that floats in above the water and tells Link to kill the bugs? The one that looks like a weird stag-bear-fox thing? Except right now he's a ball of light? Him. Gaahhh... What's his naaammmee?

"I am Ordona."

I flail my arms above my head.

"THAT'S IT."

"That is what, small one?"

"One, don't call me small. Two, your name is what 'that is'. I couldn't remember it and I hate forgetting important people's names!"

I hear Link cough. I ignore him.

"I heard your wish dear child-"

"I'm eighteen!" My protest goes unnoticed and Link laughs at me, prompting a glare.

"-and decided to grant it. So now, as long as you are submersed in water, you shall be, as you call it, a mermaid."

Link walks forward and stands beside me.

"Could you explain what a mermaid is?"

Ordona chuckles and begin in a voice that makes him sound slightly pompous.

"Well, Link... A mermaid is like a Zora. They live in the water. One difference is that a mermaid can come about the surface and breathe air. The major divergence is while a Zora has legs and their entire body is that of a water dweller, a mermaid is only half water creature and that bottom half is not legs but the tail of a fish," he finishes and I feel his eyeless gaze one me. I wave toward the ball of light.

"May I ask one question that is not this one?" I was too used to my friends saying 'you just did' after I asked if I could ask something. Ordona chuckles.

"You are welcome to."

"Why did you grant my wish?"

"You seemed so at peace within the water... It was like your senses melted away and nothing could ever touch you as long as you were there. You were in your element."

I tilt my head to the side and nod after a second.

"Makes sense."

"That and you're going to help Link. What if he has to go into some kinda of water but, through some weird turn of events, can't? Then you'll be able to go in his place and you won't have to worry about drowning."

I huff and place my head in my hands, sinking to my knees.

"Do I _have_ to?"

"Yes," both Sheik and Ordona say this, a commanding tone echoes through the clearing. Link decides to speak up again.

"I'm just delivering a sword. I don't need a girl following me," Link states, probably not trying to offend me but he does anyway.

"What's so wrong with me being a girl?" I speak through clenched teeth, glaring dangerously at Link.

"Nothing! It's just dangerous!" He takes a half step away from me.

"She's an insomniac so she can take night watches," Sheik argues. I raise a brow at him. And how exactly did he know that?

"Stalker much," I accuse. Sheik glares at me and I shut up for once. Then a question pops into my mind and it pesters me so much I have to ask, "Why are you still here, Andro-Herm Boy?"

Sheik breathes deeply and rubs the bridge of his nose, not bothering to answer my question, and walks off into a shadow and disappears.

"Well that was rude. It was an honest question!"

Link sighs and the ginormous source of light, aka Ordona, disappears as well, leaving myself and Link standing on the sand rather awkwardly.

"Hey Pixie?"

"Link."

"Fine. Hey _Link_?"

"Yes?"

"What time is it?"

"About seven," he gauges, watching the position of the sun.

"How long was I in the water?"

"About five hours."

"So I woke you up at... two-ish. Hm. Anyway! Shall we get going to wherever you have to go?" Link raises a brow at me.

"You're going to follow me? All day? Even though I'm leaving tomorrow?"

"AHLALALA!" I correct him with one of the many sounds I make in normal conversation. "_We're_ leaving tomorrow. And sure, I have nothing else to do."

Link sighs at me, shaking his head and walks off toward his tree home. I hurriedly gather my things and run after him. I catch up just in time to hear him muttering under his breath. I raise a brow but let it slide.

"So what are we doing first, Pixie?" I ask, excited for a day of stalking Link and possibly scaring the crap out of him. He blatantly ignores my calling him 'Pixie' and answers my question.

"Well, first I have to get my fishing rod..."

I groan.

_I hate fishing..._

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><p>Blooooop.<p>

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><p><strong>Well lookie here! You finished!<strong>

**I would adore you forever if you gave me your thoughts and any corrections I may need to make~!**


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